1.Nearing the end, Stanislaw is surrounded by loved ones. As the final moment approaches, he gathers all his strength and whispers, “I must tell you my greatest secret.” His family urges him to go on.
“Before I got married, I had it all,” Stanislaw explains. “Fast cars, cute girls, and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me, ‘Get married and start a family. Otherwise, no one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you‘re on your deathbed.‘ So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are. And you know what?”
“What?”
“I‘m not even thirsty!”（英語笑話帶翻譯 m.fenghuangtongcheng.cn ）
翻譯：
“知道什么？”
臨死之前，Stanislaw被他摯愛的家人包圍著。知道自己的最后時刻就要來了，他拿出所有力氣，輕聲耳語，“我必須告訴你們一個最大的秘密。”他的家人催他趕緊說。
Stanislaw說，“在我結婚之前，我什么都有：靚車，美女，還有大把大把的錢。但是一個好朋友警告我說，‘你應該結婚，建立一個家庭，否則當你奄奄一息躺在床上時，都沒個人會為你端上一杯水。’于是我聽取了他的建議，離開了姑娘們，娶了一個妻子。我不再把錢花在啤酒上，而是留下來給孩子們買吃的。我賣掉了我的法拉利，投資了大學基金。所以現在才有了你們。可你們知道嗎？”
“可是現在我一點都不渴啊！”
2.Indians ask their new chief whether the winter will be cold or mild. Since the young chief never learned the ways of his ancestors, he tells them to collect firewood, then he goes off and calls the National Weather Service.
“Will the winter be bad?” he asks.
“Looks like it,” is the answer.
So the chief tells his people to gather more firewood. A week later, he calls again.
“Are you positive the winter will be very cold?”
“Absolutely.”
The chief tells his people to gather even more firewood, then calls the Weather Service again: “Are you sure?”
“I‘m telling you, it‘s going to be the coldest winter on record.”
“How do you know?”
“Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!”
翻譯：
印地安人問他們的新酋長，這個冬天是冷還是溫暖。這位年輕的酋長從沒學過祖先那些本領，他只好吩咐他們去撿木柴，然后自己走到一邊去給國家氣象局打電話。
“今年冬天會不會很冷？”他問。
“看上去是這樣的。”他得到這樣的回答。
于是酋長要求大家收集更多的木柴。一個星期后，他又打電話給國家氣象局。
“你確信今年冬天會很冷？”
“毫無疑問。”
酋長隨即要求族人撿更多的木柴，然后再次給國家氣象局打電話：“你肯定嗎？”
“我告訴你，那將是有史以來最寒冷的冬天。”
“你怎么知道？”
“因為印第安人正發瘋似地撿木柴！”
3.Working at the post office, I‘m used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, “What‘s the trouble?” “I went out this morning,” she began, “and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!” After apologizing, I got her parcel. “Oh, good,” she gushed. “We‘ve been waiting for this for ages.” “What is it?” I asked. “My husband‘s new hearing aid.”
翻譯：
我在郵局上班，對于顧客們的各種情緒早已習以為常了。所以，有一天當一個生氣的顧客氣沖沖地來到我的工作臺時，我還是非常平靜地問她，“有什么問題嗎？”“我早上上街了，”女顧客說，“我回到家的時候，我看到一個卡片，卡片說郵遞員要給我們家送包裹，但沒人在家。可是我的丈夫整個早上都在家啊。他說他什么都沒聽到”。在表示了歉意之后，我把包裹給了她。“噢，太好了”，那位女顧客喜形于色。“我們等這東西都等多少年了！”“是什么好東西？”我問。“我丈夫的新助聽器”。
4.Jerry went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I‘ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there‘s somebody under it. I‘m going crazy!” “Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I‘ll cure your fears.” “How much do you charge?” “A hundred dollars per visit.” “I‘ll sleep on it,” said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. “Why didn‘t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist. “For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10.” “Is that so! How?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain‘t nobody under there now!”
翻譯：
杰瑞去看精神病醫生。“醫生，我有些不對勁。每次睡覺的時候，我都感覺有人在床下。我要瘋了！”“給我一年時間，”醫生說，“每周來三次，我會治好你。”“費用是多少呢？”“每次一百美元。”“我會認真考慮的。”杰瑞答道。六個月后醫生和杰瑞在街上相遇了，“為什么你再也沒來呢？”醫生問。“一次一百塊錢嗎？有個酒吧服務生收了十塊錢就把我治好了。”“真的？他怎么做到的？”“他讓我把床腿鋸掉。現在那沒人了！”
